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With so many people communicating via the Net and deciding to date virtual strangers, it is important to be safe and be smart. Common sense can go a long way to keep you safe. Here are some guidelines for playing it safe: Watch out for someone who seems too good to be true. Begin by first communicating solely by email or online chat. Be vigilant in noticing odd behavior or inconsistencies. If someone is evasive, this is a red flag. "Listen" to your correspondent's words. The person at the other end may not be who or what he/she says. Trust your instincts. If anything makes you uncomfortable, walk away for your own safety and protection. Find out as much information as you can. Learn to ask many questions. Find out where he grew up, where she works, and how he is connected to his community. These are clues to finding out who this person really is. Be suspicious, if someone is unwilling to reveal any personal identifying information. Probe any discrepancies in their stories. If your correspondent is unwilling to answer your questions, this is another red flag. Continue with a great deal of caution. Honesty is the key to success. Represent yourself accurately. Exaggerating or deceiving is easy online. Areas to be particularly cautious about are marital status and physical appearance. Begin with a request for a picture and send them a recent one of you. If someone is unwilling to send a recent photo, this is warning sign. If he or she continuously comes up with an excuse, it is because that person has something to hide. Having a scanned photo is available at Kinko's for less than ten dollars, so there is no valid excuse for not doing it. After you have exchanged photos, continue to fill in the gaps, so that the other person does not create you in their image. Keep it honest. Talk on the telephone and continue to learn more about your correspondent. A phone call can reveal a lot about a person's communication and social skills. It is worth the cost of the call to protect your security. But do not give out your phone number to a stranger. Trust takes time to develop. Only when you feel completely comfortable should you furnish your phone number. Don't rush into anything. Meeting someone online and then arranging a date in a relatively short time can be dangerous. Take time to find out who this person really is. If someone is pressuring you to get together before you are ready, this is another warning sign. If anything feels strange as you get to know this person, then it is time to back away and look for another match. If you decide to meet for a date, proceed with caution. Arrange the meeting on your terms. The following is a guide to ensure that you have a safe encounter: Before You Meet Before you go out with someone new, it is important to get as much information as you can about the person you will meet. 1. Always ask for a full name, address, and telephone number before agreeing to go out with someone you have never met. 2. Never go out with someone who will only give you a pager or work phone number. (There is a very good chance of a spouse in the house.) 3. When someone gives his or her phone number, find a reason to call unexpectedly. This may help you to find out if she is married or he is living with someone. 4. Find out where the person works and if you can call him or her at work First Date Know-How Be careful when agreeing to meet anyone in person. Set the conditions for your date and do not let the other person change them. Remember, you really do not know someone until you spend time with them in person. 1. Always tell someone where you are going with your date and when you will return. Leave your date's full name and telephone numbers with that person and write it down. For a small fee, you can leave information regarding where you are going and all the pertinent details with a service called SmartDate at http://www.smartdate.com. If your date wants you to keep it secret, this is a very big red flag. Protect yourself. 2. Always meet in a public place that you are familiar with on your first date. Stay near other people in a lighted area. Getting together for coffee is a pleasant, casual way to get to know someone. 3. Never allow yourself to be picked up from your house. Giving your address out to a stranger is not safe. Arrange your own transportation so that you can leave if there is any sign of trouble. 4. Pay attention to everything that this person has told you about him or herself. If you find out that your date has lied about anything, this is another red flag. 5. Do not bring your date back to your house after the first meeting. You do not know this person. Use the same kind of common sense and rules that you would use in any type of dating relationship. Be smart and be safe. Take control of your future. Know what you are getting into before you invest your heart, money, or your life. Information is the key. How to Chat by Colleen Butler In what resembles a scene from a sci-fi movie, people are chatting and dating in virtual rooms across the world. Chat rooms are everywhere and offer something for everyone. Getting Started Before embarking on your chat adventure, you should familiarize yourself with the concept of chat. Chat is quite different from email: it takes place in real-time. Once you type a message, everyone in the chat session views your words almost instantly. Chatting in real-time enhances the chat experience by creating a conversational atmosphere. You must have Internet access to chat. Online service providers offer a variety of services such as newsgroups, bulletin boards, and chats. Just click on the chat icon to get started. When choosing your username or anonymous handle, use anonymity to your benefit and select a name that reflects your personality. For safety purposes, never reveal your real name, location, or telephone number. There are two types of chat: group and private. Group chats are virtual rooms filled with people hosting various discussions at the same time. Private chats are virtual rooms created by users who wish to host their chats in a more intimate setting. Both are public forums. To create a comfortable environment and enhance your chatting experience, familiarize yourself with chat guidelines, etiquette, or tips. Before you begin to chat, take a moment to view the conversations and get a feel for the atmosphere in the room. Introduce yourself and greet everyone in the room. A simple "Hello Everyone" is a great way to start. Improving Chat Skills Chat environments offer lively and entertaining exchanges for everyone who participates. Like anything else, chatting requires a little time and practice to fully enjoy the experience. Locate the chat schedule and discover what type of chatting activities are available. Most chat schedules are filled with celebrity hosts and offer a variety of topics. Moderated chat: Celebrity chats are an exciting way to learn the latest information or hobnob with the stars. Because they tend to draw a crowd, a moderated forum is used. Simply submit your question and a moderator will forward your question to the host. If your question is accepted, the host will reply. Always keep on topic when attending a celebrity chat. Be aware of the impression you make in a chat room. Sarcasm and well-intentioned criticisms lose their place in the chat environment. Don't gossip. It seldom casts a flattering light upon you. Use chat rooms and tools to your advantage. "Ignore" anyone who is disruptive. Expression is an important part of chat. Familiarize yourself with emoticons and other chat expressions to look and feel like a pro. Chit-chat Once you become comfortable with chatting, you will encounter new people and create friendships. Together, you will forge a community of individuals based on shared interests and life experience. To enhance your community experience I recommend the following: Select a certain day, time, and chat room to meet your friends each week. Once you establish a group forum, vary the location of your meetings to allow others to participate. Host your own chat events. Create a friendly list serve or newsletter to remind your community members of any new information. Realize that trust and commitment are key components to any community and that they both take time to develop. Judging a match by his mates A friend can tell you a lot about a person. Nowhere is this more apparent than when you're getting to know someone romantically, whether you're a man or a woman looking for love. Friends are people we choose to have close to us, unlike co-workers or family members, who, in their own ways, are typically imposed on us through mere coincidence. Friends reflect how we like to see ourselves. They enjoy our company. They know our quirks, and have learned to live with them. We are usually the best we can be in friends' eyes, admired, respected, and understood better by them than by anyone else we know. So what do friends have to do with finding a mate? A great deal, if you know how to use them. A female Match.Com member recently sold me on the importance of meeting the friends of her prospective boyfriends: "If you go out with someone, you can learn a lot by seeing how they interact with their friends. If it is obvious that a guy's friends care about him, that's good--they know him better than you do. It also helps if you respect his friends and find them interesting." Of course, the same is true of women and their friends--you can tell a lot by how they interact. So how does the friends barometer work? Below, I've outlined some benefits and drawbacks of using this friends tool. Meeting 'The Friends' Is Great For: Knowing you're important to your new mate. When you get introduced to the friends, it means either you've got great potential (yeah!), or you're a trophy (boo!)--you'll have to figure that out later. However, if you never get to meet the friends, then there are no friends or you aren't worthy of them. Time to say goodbye? Seeing what he/she is like around others. This is especially important if you meet someone online--you get the chance to see how he or she stacks up socially with peers, not just one-on-one in email, over the phone, or at some back table in a restaurant. Learning how your mate treats friends. Is he/she talkative, open, trusting, and happy? Sounds like you've found someone who knows what it takes to maintain close relationships. How your date treats her or his buddies could be a sign of things to come for you. Meeting 'The Friends' Isn't So Useful When: You really like your date, but could do without the friends. Knowing you don't get along with your lover's friends can be a real drag, not to mention stressful--they could be people you're going to be seeing a lot of. You find the friends more interesting than your date. Do you cut your losses and move on, or continue the romance, waiting for the moment when you can go after the friend you've got your eye on? Could get ugly. The friends always seem to be around. You could be just a minor blip in your mate's life, while the friends get most of the time and attention. A friend hates you. If a friend persists in not liking you, you might have a situation where your mate is asked (or maybe forced) to choose between you. It has happened! You might as well forget the whole thing if more than three friends say you're no good. The Limits of Friends Meeting the friends isn't a tried and true way of telling whether you and your new mate will find bliss. It is only one of the many tools in the arsenal. If things don't go well when you meet them, don't despair. Just like any new introductions between people, things can be awkward. Friends can act like freaks when they're nervous with a newcomer in the room (you!). Or maybe they're insanely jealous that their friend finally found someone as wonderful as you. On the other hand, the friends could adore you. In that case, you're in! Everyone likes you and you look better in your new mate's eyes--what more could you ask for? So, if you're getting to know someone romantically, it's never too soon to go out and spend some time with friends as a group. Just think of all you could learn. |
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